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with rage now. Aki quickly closed the door, looking
Himiko: Bonding - 70
worriedly at Robbie. Robbie took a step closer to Matt,
undaunted.
"Are you trying to set a new record in the number of
f-words in one sentence, Matt? Because I'm sure you can
do better than that."
Matt stared. Then he felt the fight go out of him, just
like that. "I'm sorry." He turned around, burying his
head against Pietr's chest. He was so tired, so useless at
being what he was. What he had been forced to become.
You could at least help me after what you've made me
into. There was no anger left in his mind, though, only
despair.
Oh, baby. He felt the compassion in Pietr's mind, his
mate's arms wrapping around him and holding him
close. In the background, he felt the acute worry in
Robbie and Aki's minds. However, Matt was too
desolate to do anything about it. This was so fucked up.
He curled up, both mentally and physically,
withdrawing as far into himself as he could get. Leaving
his stupid body behind and retreating to the farthest
corner of his mind. He just needed to sleep, to get away
from this for awhile. He could feel the agitation behind
him and shut that out, too. He just couldn't cope with it
right now.
Pietr wouldn't let him be. No, baby, you can't let go.
You have to stay with me. There was a strange mix of
compassion and a deep, burning fear underneath that in
his mate's mind. Matt felt a hint of worry at sensing that,
but then he let it go. He could ask later. Right now, he
needed to rest, to be left alone. He pulled back further.
Please, Matt, stay awake with me a little longer. You
need to stay awake. I need you. Pietr's desperation was
stronger now, disturbing Matt, not letting him rest.
Himiko: Bonding - 71
I'm just so tired. He didn't want to show Pietr how he
really felt, how miserable he was at being a freak. A
fucking monster.
You're not a monster! Pietr was shouting now. You're
like me, and I'm no monster. I'm your mate, and you
can't leave me!
The anguish pulled at him, and suddenly Matt was
back in his body, struggling to breathe, suffocating. Pietr
held him, rocked him, trying hard to comfort him. Matt
clung to his mate's body and started crying, long sobs
wracking his body. He clawed at Pietr, trying to get
closer, to get more of his mate. Pietr opened completely
to him and gently wrapped around him, giving him
somewhere outside himself to be safe, to be protected.
Finally, Matt could relax. He cried until he had cried
himself out, and then he just lay there, worn out.
Just rest, Matt. I won't let go of you.
Matt didn't know what to say, so he just held on. Pietr
wrapped a leg around him and pulled him even closer
into the embrace, and Matt took the solace he so
desperately yearned for in the warm body surrounding
his.
***
He must have dozed off at some point, because when
he woke up, Pietr was there immediately, nuzzling him.
Matt could feel the relief radiating from his mate's mind
and didn't understand why.
You almost left me. There was so much sadness in
those words that it startled Matt.
What do you mean? He reached out, soothing. I'm
here, I'm not leaving.
Himiko: Bonding - 72
No, but before... You almost let go. With a shock,
Matt realized that Pietr was deadly serious; somehow,
Matt had been in real danger.
I don't get it -- what did I do wrong now? This was
turning out to be an exhausting experience.
You didn't do anything wrong! But you got
overwhelmed and you nearly disappeared into yourself.
Around Pietr's words, Matt could sense the memories of
a deep sorrow, of others disappearing. Others like him.
Matt sat up, at a loss for words. He just stared.
"You... you did this to me, knowing the risk?" He dug
deeper into Pietr's mind and was startled. "Even if you
knew that you could die, too?" He couldn't believe this.
Couldn't wrap his mind around it. I could have been
lost?
Yes. The word was abrupt; the world of anguish
behind it wasn't.
Matt didn't know what to think, what to feel. Those
people who went missing, who didn't come back... That
was what happened to them?
To some of them, yes. Most of them are just being
trained as ambassadors for the Himika. But we all felt it
deeply when someone was lost. You're the first one
who's ever bonded with one of us, though. We didn't
know how you would cope; we hoped it would be easier
for you.
Matt hugged his legs, curling up. Pietr reached out
for him, the worry clear in the Himiko's mind. Matt
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