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also like you to elaborate on how you begin and proceed to develop intimacy on your
dates, and what you think you do that creates the depth of closeness that exceeds what
they get from other guys they may have dated previously. And, while you are at it,
describe the specifics of what you will do with new women on these dates - i.e. you meet
them at a certain time, you go for drinks/coffee/dinner, etc. and what you do and/or look
for to advance the relationship to the physical.
Doc: Well, I guess the frame for intimacy is something that gets developed very early on
in the relationship – it starts with me opening up and telling her some things about me,
dropping my defenses. It starts off quite innocently “Ooooh, I love Fruit Loops. They
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were my favorite cereal when I was a kid”, and gradually builds up to more significant
things about me, “I used to dream about this kind of thing when I was a kid”. Self-
disclosure isn't something most people do – certainly not alpha guys. During a sarge, we
are sometimes so busy rifling through our routines or else we turn it into an interrogation.
There has to be a balance between talking and listening. Talking means self-disclosure,
and I'm not talking about bragging about stuff.
Listening is also an important skill, because the more a woman feels heard, the more she
drops her defenses. Recently, following one of my seminars, we were discussing this with
some women and they confirmed this. If you are a good listener, you will hear the magic
words. “Ooh, I'm talking too much aren't I?” When she says this, she is actually asking
you permission to drop her inhibitions and let go. So allow her to. There is a big
difference between being strong & dominant (which is very sexy) and being domineering
and pushy (which is a sign of insecurity).
Remember there are 3 levels to every communication:
1. What is said,
2. What is meant,
3. The emotional need being expressed.
More important than all of this, is what gets communicated at the sub-text level. Mystery
and No9 were at my place one day talking about this, and their conversation went
something like this: “Yeah, the great thing about Doc is the way he comes off so sincere
and genuine.” … “Yeah, you’re right! Now if we could just figure out a way to fake
that…”. That was hilarious. The idea of faking authenticity is hilarious, but I guess there
are ways to do it. Using your body language for example: lean forward slightly, talk
softly and warmly with good intonation (no monotone shit here), listen to the 3 levels of
communication and speak to her emotions, soft eye-contact (don't turn it into a staring
contest and remember to blink, seriously), tilt your head slightly when you’re listening,
laugh, smile, non-sexual touching (ex. hand on her cheek or soft caresses of her hair - this
is a killer for intimacy), allow some silence in the conversation where you just sit there
and gaze into her eyes and sigh with a small smile and give her an indirect compliment
(ex. “you have a great energy”, “I feel really good with you right now” “This is a great
moment,” etc.). And this is key: as you say this stuff, allow yourself to actually FEEL it.
Allow yourself to actually feel very positive feelings for her – as if you love her. Women
pick up on this somehow, and it’s not a visual thing, it's just felt. I've held a lot of women
in my arms, but when I allow myself to feel a lot of affection for them when I do this,
they will often remark “Wow, that was pretty intense”.
Objectively nothing was different, but the energy was very different and they felt it.
Allow yourself to feel in love too when you kiss her – it’s a much deeper, more sensual
kiss and also builds a lot of intimacy.
Dose this stuff out judiciously so as not to come across creepy. Done too early or too
much, and you just come across creepy, needy, or wussy. I wouldn't necessarily do these
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things so much on a first meeting cause that’s all guaranteed to be a turn off. But, once
you are ALONE with her on a real first date, it really builds comfort and trust. It's like the
no-game game. BUT, I think you can only do this soft stuff once you've demonstrated a
lot of dominance, humor, and alphaness, and hard-to-getness. Otherwise, you just come
across as a pussy. Peppered with alpha qualities, however, the contrast and depth of
character is a killer combination.
Notice how a lot of the top PUAs actually come across very soft in the field. Of course,
they spice up their approach with charisma and wit, but it's still rather soft. We’re
sometimes obsessed with being tough alpha males, but the soft approach seems to work
better than the hard, brash approach because it triggers less defenses, therefore, fewer
defenses to undo later. I have become convinced that for seduction, THE SLOW WAY IS
THE FAST WAY, and any defenses that you encounter (LMR, bitchiness, coldness, etc.)
are usually caused by you.
Doc’s Dating Ritual
- In a nutshell, here is my Dating Ritual. It is like a well oiled machine these days and
recently I realized that I have had the exact same 5 CD's in my player for the past year or
so, so I have run countless women through this ritual. Anyways, I can tell you by CD 3,
track 2, where I'll be in my dating ritual. (Just for info, its mostly sensual and exotic
lounge music: Buddha Bar, Café del Mar, Verve Remixed, Tosca, and a couple of other
compilations some friends made for me.)
- Make plans to get together at around 7 or 8 PM on a school night. The time makes it
ambiguous as to whether we will be eating or not. I work late most days, so I just tell
them to come by and pick me up from home as I will just be getting home from work.
This makes it clear that I haven't eaten yet, but I haven't invited them out to dinner either,
just to “get together for an hour or so”. I live in a great neighborhood, and I just assume
that they will be ok with this. If they are not, or hesitate to come pick me up, it's usually a
bad sign that I haven't done my homework well enough beforehand.
In this case, I may just cancel and do some more work through phone and e-mail before
we meet up again. If we met through social networking, this is rarely a problem. But if
it’s a number I got from a cold-approach, I might propose a neutral meeting place like a
coffee shop just around the corner from my house. There is this great coffee shop/lounge
down the street from where I live where I have taken dozens of women on dates. They
serve killer martinis. The staff has seen me come and go with soooooo many women that
it’s like a joke – the waitresses help rate my dates for me and either give me the thumbs
up or thumbs down.
- When she comes over to pick me up, I tell her to come in as I'm just finishing getting
ready. Just before she comes in, I start the cd player. My home is full of interesting stuff,
and it’s a very warm and inviting place that’s very well decorated. The lighting is low,
but not creepy low. It’s just that I have no direct lighting and EVERY single light switch
has a dimmer. They are dying to have a tour. So I tell them to take off their shoes and
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